Yes indeed and in case anyone has been asleep since Saturday a new year is indeed upon us. One filled with many things that I am going to go on to speak about:
- The 2011 F1 world championship
- The England Cricket team bringing home the famous urn after their retention of the Ashes.
- The endless road of the pro-wrestling business
- A continuation of my studies at University in Colchester.
- And many more things...
Now all this and more will be discussed in the up and coming 12 months but I would like to take some time out of your very important Internet time to post something that is more than likely going to turn into among one of the most personal things I have ever written. For those who do not know me all that well this might get a bit heavy and even though I will never know I do not blame you if you stop reading at any point in this post. If you do know me then perhaps this will be a little bit of an eye opener if you think I have been a bit weirder than usual in recent times.
First I have to start with a brief summary of what has made 2010 in many ways good for me:
- My first 2 festivals as an attendee in the form of 2000 trees and Sonisphere were experiences which I shall not forget anytime soon.
- Finally getting a band together in the land of Essex to stop me going completely mad.
- My 20th Birthday drinks may not have been the highlight of every body's social calender but from my perspective it was the drunken yet perfectly civilised way I wanted to celebrate it and catch up with many of the friends I have made at University.
- Finally getting a small glimpse into the whole clubbing thing and understanding that it has to be the right night for me to have a good time.
All of those things were great and I would like to thank everyone who was a part of these experiences and I honestly hope to have more with all of you in the future.
However I am going to be completely honest and say that, for me, 2010 was one of the most difficult and most painful years that I can remember. There are many reasons for this, some of which I can not even share here as it is so painful but others I will share with you as frankly as possible:
This year I am ashamed to say I have definitely fallen for someone who I assume does not feel the same way about me and even if she did she is many years out of my league and is with someone who is making them happier than I feel I could.
I met her at the back end of last year when visiting friends and she understood my flaws and my fears within 15 minutes of meeting me and we became extremely close whenever we got the chance to talk. She has been there for me through some really difficult shit and has become a rock so solid it would take millions of years to wear that away.
We spent a weekend together in the summer, just hanging out, drinking and talking about everything and nothing at the same time. We bonded strongly and for my sins my heart became hers. She probably won't know it's her and if she does I've put my foot in it but she is beautiful, kind, funny and one of the people I trust with my life. I can deal with the fact we'll never be together as long as we remain closer than Amy Winehouse to a drug overdose.
To move on from that to something that a few of you may know happened. I was almost shot from a moving car in Colchester in the Autumn, after a man shot at my direction from a moving car with a hand gun narrowly missing the outline of my hair.
I was ok but I was so scared I considered not coming back to Colchester after a week a home. My life flashed before my eyes as I looked for someone to help me get home and while this is not the most afraid I have ever been my hands were shaking for three days afterwards. To this day every so often I cry when thinking about it but one day I will be able to fully get over it and fully move on.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to admit but here it goes: Not too long ago I went through a period of feeling helpless and afraid for the future. I was scared I was going to fall into a possible state of depression and at points even thought I had.
I was staring at a small kitchen knife I had in my right hand wondering if I was about to do the unthinkable, the one thing that I swore I'd make sure no-one I knew would do if I could help it. Luckily for me I was not brave enough to do it and the thought has not occurred to me since.
I did it because of many reasons:
- I was worried that a lot of the people that cared about me didn't care and I was almost entirely alone at a point in my life where I need them.
- After the incident with the shooting I was scared about what else could happen to me and was basically scared in my own skin.
- Things were going on behind closed doors which were leaving my family in an unbelievably strained position and there was nothing I could do to help or stop it.
- I simply believed I was not good enough.
If I have still got anyone reading this...yeah...
But then a funny thing happened. Something that has never happened to me before and took me completely unawares. The strangest thing about it was that it occurred to me around the strike of midnight while drunk and sipping on a pint of 'expensive' cider:
I can erase the bad points of 2010 by making 2011 the most amazing year of my life.
- I can make sure I push on with my musical exploits in a way I never have before.
- I can make even more truly brilliant friends as well maintain the ones I deserve to have.
- I have a chance of finding someone or something that can make me as happy as I have ever been.
- But last and for sure most important of all I can stop giving a damn about what people actually think of me because if they don't like me and bitch about me behind my back or just plain ignore me I can simply think to myself 'Forget you, I am who I am and I'm not gonna change for you.'
So to my friends, my family, the friends i've yet to meet and perhaps especially to the people and events that tried to stop me in 2010 I have one last thing to say:
My New Years Resolution is to never be brought down again.
Have a good'un all of you
