This (for anyone who has read it) was the topic of conversation that I refered to in my previous blog yesterday and it has been a really hard one so I'm just going to come out with it:
I'm leaving Colchester and not going back.
Anyone who actually cares is going to be asking why I have made the decision. Those who don't care may not even notice i'm gone and others will no doubt be wondering if I am still alive. There are many reasons for that and I am going to explain them all to you here and now. If any of you want to ask me in more detail then feel free via Facebook, MSN or whatever other medium you choose.
Well the basic thing is that I am not happy in the town and have not been since I started back there in September. Something had changed for me, in terms of living there, and I wasn't enjoying being there. I would find myself wanting to be somewhere else, be it home, be it visiting friends in other uni's, be it anywhere, as long as it wasn't there. And this was affecting my mood in terms of how I was with other people, with lecturers and classes and basically everything. I made sure I did my best to hide how I was feeling to other people, simply because I did not want to drag other people's mood down with me.
To be honest it also had something to do with certain people, who I will not name as that is bitchy and rude to do so, whose attitude with me changed. I know sometimes I can come across as a bit too weird, very over the top and possibly a bit dickhead-ish but I always try to be friendly, caring and be able to listen to everyone in return for them listening to me. I just feel that sometimes I was often left on the side lines a lot with people in many situations and that was absolutely gut wrenching as I believed that, while I wasn't necessarily the most popular person in the place, that people would be able to have time to speak to me.
Also to be honest in my decision is what has been happening to me in the town in terms of my own safety. After the shooting near Tesco I never truly felt safe at any of time of the day or night and it is obviously very important that, if you are living away from home that you feel safe to travel wherever you are living and I just did not feel that I was safe. And that, on-top of everything else I have explained has built up and over the past few weeks I have been in London I have been thinking about making the decision.
Now if you are reading this the likely hood of this is that it is not you who I am talking about. And I have to say that despite me making my time in Essex sound horrible and not enjoyable in the slightest there have been many good moments. I won't mention them all as I will remember some of them as will you people who I have shared those good moments with. Be it nights at the club, little in jokes, fabulous nights or simply being there for a good chat over a few slow pints. And for those moments and to all the people that helped make them as good as they were I have to say thank you and I will never forget them or you.
As is the case with being in a new place and meeting new people there are certain people who I know, are closer to and share more with than others. It does not mean that everybody else means less to me in any stretch of the imagination. Don't be silly, without a lot of you people I would have had some of the utterly un-forgettable times with but to those who I do share a little bit more with I am going to be talking to them personally.
So what does the future hold for me after this. Where do I go from here?
Well to be honest I have a list of things I need to accomplish to get my life as I know it back on track:
- Look at another university where I can begin my journey into the world as a University Student again.
- Step up my search for work whilst I am in London so I can realise what it is like to properly earn myself some money.
- Continue on with my Shenfield based band with my brother, Scott and Will as it seems like we are going places and are all very dedicated to the cause.
- Be a helpful extra pair of hands whenever my family needs someone to help with whatever they would need to help with.
Now I am really not sure how this is all going to work out but at the end of the day people will be asking me the question: Have I made the right decision? Well to be honest I have been thinking about this for so long and so deeply that I believe I have because while being in Colchester I have learned, experienced and felt a lot of things which I have never felt before but in the end, regrettably, I have realized that it was not the right choice for me to be there in the first place.
This does not mean I will never go back but it will be for 'One Night Stands' as it were. Not the sex meaning obviously but for the special nights out, for the parties if people want me there, for seeing friends and former colleges, just so you all know that I am thinking of you and have not completely forgotten about you all.
I apologize to you all and wish you the best of luck in whatever it is you are all doing.
Signing off from home
Nick.
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